Chapter Twenty Five: First Impressions Are Faux Fun!

When I forget to invite you to a party, there’s always the same reason for it. You vomited in my dog’s mouth.

When I want to impress someone, I like to sit in front of a fire that is behind glass, sip a wine that is non-alcoholic, and talk about things I never did on a ship that never existed.

When all you have are your thoughts to keep you company, it isn’t too hard to wonder why things like Craigslist Missed Connections is a place people hang out.

If the absence of weight is weightlessness, someone put a balloon on the cover of Teen Cosmo and sell those teenage fears and insecurities the right way.

In the early 1900’s, it was customary to have nothing to say to the person sitting next to you in public. With the power of cellular telephones and the internet, we follow that tradition today.

“I remember my first blow-job.” – Blow Dart Enthusiast

If you’re ever in a situation in a fast food restaurant and you need a getaway, just take someone’s order of food and slam it to the ground. The hungry patrons will look down at the mess and the staff will sulk at the thought of remaking that order. A clean getaway formula.

A foodie enjoys food, just like an eight year-old with LEGOs enjoys being an architect.

It’s the people who still use “nigh” that won’t survive the robot apocalypse. Spell Checking Robots will just correct you and then kill you for using a silly word like “nigh”.

“Respecting the laws will always ground you.” – High School Science Teacher talking about Issac Newton’s discovery.

The appropriate response for someone screaming “Woooooo” at a bar is “Owwwwww”, because you should punch them very hard as a response.


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