Always carry a cup filled with cold coffee. You never know when you would need to intentionally spill it on yourself and act like it’s scolding you to get your co-workers to pay attention to your presentation.
While in a long-distance relationship as a male, you may begin to feel more feminine as time goes on. Why else would you care about the battery running out before you can get off?
Showering before bed is about as useful as reading the epilogue of a story first, but with more of you smelling like you didn’t shower the next morning.
If you tell someone you met the person of your dreams and you show them a man or woman, you’re validating that you have very confined dreams. Why not a Centaur?
When Romans accepted the beard as a sign of masculinity, the women also chose to stop shaving. This led to the sexual position “Brutus Beard Bush”.
When someone tells me that something drives them crazy, I try to do it as frequently as possible. Because who doesn’t want to drive?
Transportation in a city is limited to three things: Public Transportation, Personal Vehicle, or running away from the lady in the feathered hat who tried to grab your genitals while saying “Looks like Ahab didn’t fish this Moby out of the water.”
If you run into a glass door because you didn’t see it, you should start attacking the glass until it breaks against your willpower to keep walking forward. Fewer people would laugh, that’s for sure.
A friend told me that sex is a game of inches. For some, the plural is a nice assumption.
Did you trust any of your friends as the banker in Monopoly after playing with them more than once? The answer should be the same for the banks that were bailed out of the American Economy.
Trickle-Down Economics is a daydream that doesn’t exist to some, but a valid point in favor of it working is that if you piss off of a mountain, it’s going to trickle down.