Chapter Thirty-One: If You Can’t Say It, You Probably Didn’t Buy It

“Count your grenades. Now, count the pins attached to your grenades. Are they the same number?” – Not-So-Famous Last Words

You could do a number on someone, if your species was “Number”.

Oral sex can both a fun and dangerous escapade. The best thing is being blown by your girlfriend, Dorothy. The worst thing is being blown by a mighty gust of wind, like Dorothy.

Tattoo artists rarely get the respect they deserve and also put out. Some of the coolest people you know are tattoo artists. Why? Who else can give the customer exactly what they deserve?

If wanted pickles, and I saw a pickle jar labeled “Purple Pack Of Pickled Pepper Piper’s Pickles” and another labeled “Classic Cut”. I am going with the “Purple Package Of Pickle Pepper’s Piper Pickles”. If I can’t say it right the first time, my roommate surely won’t be able to either.

If someone tells me that I used a “Curveball” on them, I usually cup their genitals. I would then go on to explain that if I did anything “Curveball”, it was because they were in my “Strike Zone”.

When my socially heightened friends go on about how most people are Sheep. I’ll listen, but I doubt that their audience will be making the same comparison about peons and kings when I tell them later that you were arrested for sexing up Sheep.

My friends and I play Cards on Tuesday night, and we play for money. We used to say, “Leave Emotions At The Door”. But after Billy lost his rent check a few times, his car, and his wedding band, now we just say “Billy, you’re a fucking idiot.”


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