Chapter Thirty-Three: Need A Foreign? Call Jackie Chan.

Monks use Sweep Kicks to clean the floors. Either that or a Fuzz-Buster because those temples are quite clean.

“It’s like a Spy movie, but instead of a stereotypical British guy, you want a stereotypical Asian guy? I’ve got someone for that.” – Jackie Chan’s Agent for The Tuxedo

“It’s like a Western movie, but instead of a stereotypical, under-appreciated kid apprentice, you want an Asian guy? I’ve got someone for that.” – Jackie Chan’s Agent for Shanghai Noon

“It’s like a Buddy Cop movie, but instead of a crazed white guy with relationship issues, you want an Asian guy? I’ve got someone for that.” – Jackie Chan’s Agent for Rush Hour

I want to buy a Go Pro and use it all of the time, but I feel like the only footage will be of me gaming or trying to convince my girlfriend to have sex with me. Life cannot be extreme all of the time.

I was driving behind a guy with a bumper sticker that read “I Brake for The Empire.” Naturally, I drove past the moment he stopped because wooo, Rebellion!

Somewhere, there’s a child right now aggressively refusing the delicious food that his parents slaved over a stove for him. And knowing that isn’t mine makes it all the sweeter to ignore.

I’ve never seen a man who had diarrhea that had time to talk about unnecessary details. Live your life like you’ve got diarrhea.

To the girl who thought it was cool to photobomb their grandmother’s funeral: That was such a success that you could put that on your resume. You should keep that going and never stop for anyone alive or dead. Trust me, you’re doing the right thing.

Every third thing that someone tells me comes with a wave of doubt and me asking myself, “Is this a trap?”

If you’ve just recently achieved the highest level in the most popular video game massively multiplayer online game, congratulations! AIDS is still a thing though, so don’t feel too good. There’s still sadness in the world, and some of that is coming from the living quarters in your parent’s basement.

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