These infomercials keep asking me to forget things that I know about kitchen utensils and appliances. I just forgot how to be smart.
Keep a bunny with you at all times. Alive, of course. You never know when you might wander into a Children’s Hospital and need to cheer up some dying infants.
Those sad moments you experience in life could always use a flaccid balloon barely afloat, with the words “Get Well Soon” attached to whoever died.
I tend to always want to barter when I’m on the road. Gas stations, truckers, even on the bathroom walls of rest stops.
I feel like America is full of people who are jealous of “Wetbacks” because they have a better time going down water slides.
Science still cannot tell us if sharing is truly caring.
I like being reminded that I’m in a very happy and successful relationship. Finding her hair in my mouth is one of the lesser and more frequent ways I remember.
Christmas is Valentine’s Day on roulette for men in relationships. Do you go for the Lingerie or the book about American Feminism? Quick answer: Just Break Up.
Can I get this Bible thing in the size of a pamphlet handed to me on college campuses that I can discard as easily?
Do not compare sex to desserts. Because desserts can be burnt, taste like black carbon scoring, and act like a cunt all of the fucking time. Just like people.
“Self-worth is not a very valuable currency. That’s why I whore myself to anyone willing to pay me or listen.” – the person that got a job in their field right out of college
The Pitch is both; the passing of an idea or penis. Some accept the pitch and some don’t. The ones that don’t aren’t worth it. The ones that do, are called “Your Sex Bitch”.