I discovered in college that multi-colored Christmas lights make for the perfect lighting. Not because I’m both rebellious and tacky at heart, but because the lights make the perfect glow to hide damn-near anything visually unpleasant. If there’s one thing College taught me, it was: Fake It Till You Make It.
A friend told me I make too many 4th wall jokes. What does that guy know? He’s your imaginary best friend, not mine.
Melissa said that men usually like women with long legs. I corrected her and said I just like my women to have legs. She asked what if she got shorter than she is now. I told her she would still make my minimum requirements of being able to dunk on children.
My favorite gift to give is honesty, because people act like shit often enough that Christmas is year-round.
The reason we haven’t seen jet-packs yet is because if video games are any indication, people would die a lot.
A belly flop will only get cheers if your destination is into a liquid or gas.
Flip a coin to decide two facts, then just lie and say your side one. You only flipped the coin because you’re indecisive.
Clown is actually a Swedish word, which means “Holy Shit That Thing Needs To Die Before I Dream Of It While Having Nightmares.”
Cow have a very stupendous jump. Some would say they are just like dogs. But they are not. Because they cannot be trained to “Shake”. And that is why McDonalds is our hero, children.
“The last time I survived that challenging situation, I said never again. But this time, it’s different.” – the time it wasn’t different at all
When I say I’m rolling the dice, you should always ask how many sides is on it. And be worried.
Brightness was an invention by a man who stayed up nightly and his wife complained about how lit up the room was while she was trying to sleep. Today, humanity dodges that argument regularly.