Chapter Forty: Bias Vices Towards an Empty Life Crisis

A time capsule is for fans of history that hate books, movies, pictures, and everything else we would put into a time capsule.

“I never asked for a relationship, but if you wanted to fuck someone you hate-liked for a few months, I could be that guy.” – That Guy

If it weren’t for the idea that I had a hand in my destiny, I don’t know how I’d get through life. Thanks to the unemotional, apathetic, and pious existence of random choices in a small micro-cosmos that is my experience on this planet with the chemicals in my brain. Seems fancier when religion explains it, though.

I’ve managed to arrive in the collegiate winner’s circle with no debt to pay, no education to clearly define, and no valid concern with the youth of tomorrow. I’m the atypical stereotype of my indebted generation. Ask me about my work habits.

Learning is the act of failing and being able to live to tell the tale. A lot of people seem to forget that second part when assessing the threat level of their challenge. Always give sharks and bears an additional +7 to judged threat levels, as a tip from my personal experience of watching a bear and shark fight in a jello pool.

Carpet is a fabric that you never touch without a very specific reason. We all know that carpets are filthy with greed, jealousy, and a personification of people that tend to let people take advantage of them.
Carpets: the walking mats of the indoors.

Over the years, we’ve been exposed to a lot of new and exciting technological discoveries. One that has stayed surprisingly untouched is alcohol. How have we, as a society, created marvels like the Snuggie, iPod, and Facebook while simultaneously not be able to come up with a magical drink that costs pennies to produce, tastes like a fountain of flavored orgasms, and won’t leave me wanting to commit suicide from the hangover by drinking more of said product before ten in the morning? And then I realized:
“That’s what wealthy people drink.”

I’ve often found dinner meetings difficult to initiate. One minute, I’m discussing the finer points of my work and social life and the next, I’m being reprimanded for deciding that Krispy Kreme was appropriate for a “Business Setting”. If my manager wanted a proper place to meet with clients and discuss important things, I’d have turned it up a notch and put in a reservation at Matt’s Drive-In Theatre and Hot Dog Stand.

No one’s ever thought to themselves, “Oh shit, I’m dead,” and actually been dead.

As a kid, I thought life could be summed up with games like Monopoly and The Game of LIFE. What I discovered is that you can’t bank on always landing on a board game square because there is no square in life, and asking your manager for a square on will end in being laid-off and a segue into the pornographic debauchery of how business should work, but doesn’t.


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